Back in the arms of an angel. one big mistake, and my life gets completely turned upside down. and I ask myself why, why didn't I try harder to avoid the mistake, avoid the bad choices. we get stuck in grooves, like machines without oil.

It's not all over, but it's further down the road then I thought I'd make. I am in a place now where I feel comfortable, warm, fed and loved. I am intellectually stimulated again, physically fullfilled. My life is a basin half full again, with rose pedals floating to the top.

I'll never be fully forgiven for what I've done. Nor do I expect to be. But our relationship; new and infantile, is growing steadily. I can see myself again with her until I am rotting in the ground. I can see holding one person's hand until the arthritis gets us both. I am going to sink my all into this again, and be the man she needs me to be. Be the man I need me to be.

Here comes counseling, group annonymous, couples therapy, life coaching. I am going to fix the broken parts of me. I am going to become the myth.

I love you.

she's so far away from me.
she's so fucking killing me.
she's ready to let me go,
she's ready to let me know.

this is the end,
the whole world is in,
it's a conspiracy,
to cover up all the little things.

oh how i envy you, dexter. enough said.

I came to an incredible conclusion about myself last night after watching two "super hero" movies in a row. It's funny, I'm one of those people that are VERY dedicated when I am interested in something. I do thing "to the death" as Breanna would put it. I chose to be a Father. I could have said no and turned around to be just like my Father. But I made the decision, the adult decision. I chose to be with Breanna, to be a man and love one woman for the rest of my life. I said to myself, " you'll be better than them," refering to my biological parents. I thought I'd do so much better than I have. I thought I'd be this stand up, super hero of a Father, husband.

You don't realize how bad you've been at something until someone usually points it out to you. But, there are those moments of self revelation that you get a sneak peak on how you're doing. I had one last night. I have always felt I was meant for something HUGE, fame, fortune, genius. I know a few people who thought along those lines about me too. Well, I and they, were right. And it was right here in front of me the whole time. I don't need to write a novel, become a movie star, best selling artist, nobel prize winner, nothing, I need to be none of these things. I already made the choice on the greatness I'd become. When I decided to stay with Breanna and raise a family from the ground up, I made that choice. It felt sickening to think I'd been wasting 4 years fighting it. Now though, it all makes sense. If I do it to "death" as a Father/Husband/Leader of a Family, I'll be a great person. I'll be famous to my children and future wife. I'll be a legend to my family. I don't need to make a million dollars to do it either, I just have to do it.
Lots of people who see us on a point to point basis off and on probably think I'm a great dad and husband, but I wasn't. I have a temper, lack of motivation and lack of effort bogging me down. I wasn't looking at being a Father like people look at doing a job. It seemed wrong, "It' a life not a job," right? Wrong, like love has to be reminded, so does being a good father and leader. I don't think it's natural for me to be dedicated to other people for very long. But, if I'm ever going to be a good father and husband, I need to look at it that way. So, this was my big revelation, I need to be an actual Father and an actual Husband if I ever wanna be a super hero, because I was never born with those super abilities I've craved over for my whole life. So, thanks to all the new marvel movies, and movies like hancock, games like WoW and mtg, you've helped me realize that I can be super human, in a super normal way. If I stop chasing the wrong thing, I can be what Breanna, Annika, and Vivianna need me to be.

The things I think I really need to work on...

1. My temper. I need to be more disciplined. This one scares me, I act out in stupid ways when I am scared or angry. This has to be my number one thing I change about myself.
2. My effort around the house and with the family. This sort of encompasses all the things I should be doing. I need to say no less and come up with more ideas to have fun and be a tighter family unit. I find myself saying no to GREAT ideas Breanna has for us just because I don't particularly feel like doing that at the time. I say no at god damn coupons because they make me anxious for some reason. How ridiculous is that? I makes me sick to think of all the things I could have been doing instead of sitting around doing nothing but waste my time on childish things. I truly admire and love Breanna for sticking it out this long through this much of my bullshit.
3. Motivation and Self discipline. I need to remember that my decisions affect 4 people and 1 dog now. I need to remember that although Breanna doesn't work for money, she works for love. I need to remember to help out more and take innitiative ahead of her so she can relax more. I have to walk the dog more. His problems are my problems too. Sure, cooking may not be my thing, but cleaning up is something I am good at.

Everyone's life is a reflection of their actions. Everything you've ever done shows up in a physical manifestation in your present life. The things you don't resolve will come back. To truly resolve anything I need to start actually making a conscious effort to change the things that are causing the problem. Nothing ever fixes itself, one thing I've learned from doing maintenance. I need to remember that just because I'm tired, doesn't mean there isn't anything to accomplish. It feels really great to ge all this off my mind. I've thought about it pretty hard since last night. I hope I can repair the damages done. Maybe someday I'll be the super hero my kids watch in real life, instead of chasing on the movie screen. Wish me luck, if you read through this you are either very bored, or you're very nice. I hope it helps other people.

I will now watch CNN 24/7 and live their truths. I have been re-educated on how right the other side is. My life has taken a drastic turn for the better. Now that I do not have to think for myself, everything has become simple. The intelligence is astounding. Thanks to Al Gore (who did infact create the internet), I know exactly how high I can turn my thermostat to. I now know how much or how little I can drive. Thanks to them, I now know what BRANDS to use and consume. I'm making a difference. Thanks Barrak, I know now that if I cannot pass muster in life, YOU will provide for me. If I need anything, the government is there for me. I feel so free.